Six Failed Careers from the Gualle Republic

I'm forever taking inspiration from Electric Bastionland by Christ McDowall and especially the list of failed careers. There’s something so beautiful about explaining a culture through the people that have failed in it. It resonates with me for some reason…

Anyway, it's my hope that for the Celestial Coast I can replicate that feeling I first got when reading through that d100 list of failures. However, as someone who has already tried writing 10 failed careers for my UVG hack, I understand how time consuming these things are to write. Coming up with twelve different and interesting variables for each career takes time. They're hard to just sit down and write and I'm constantly updating and tweaking them.

Instead of doing an absolutely mad 100 failed careers, I'm streamlining it down to a much more manageable thirty-six. At the moment my plan is to do eighteen careers for each of the two main nationalities within the setting - The Gualle Republic and The Kingdom of Caligari. I want to explore how much world building I can imply in these lists and how much juxtaposition between the two nations I can present. Throwing in as many weird items and fun circumstances I can think of. While at the same time leaving enough room for imagianative improvistation at the table.  

These are the first six for the Gualle Republic. I'd be interested in seeing how much of the world can be inferred through reading these.

1- Revolutionary Baker - During the chaos you fed the stomach of rebellion. Now the trumpets of defiance have quietened and you’ve been left hungry for more.

You get: Bread Peel (d6), Rolling pin, a loaf of bread 

What kind of bread do you have? 

£1 - Pain de Monium - the bread that started the revolution. A cheap crusty loaf baked with crude flour. When eaten, it has a 50/50 chance of breaking a tooth. 

£2 - Santé Saint - the sacred bread of the Saintly Martyrs. A dense loaf made by combining cow’s blood with rye grain. Having a pocketful of Santé Saint crumbs is seen as a sign of piety. 

£3 - Verde Cake - a cheap bun made with the water used to boil seasonal greens. Known for its bitter taste and vivid green colour, it is supposedly good for health and virility. 

£4 - Fügassa - a delicacy of the Celestial Coast. A fluffy loaf made by kneading dough with sea salt and olive oil. Sharing a loaf with strangers is a sign of hospitality. 

£5 - Petit Krone - cultured bread from the old regime. Fermented dough mixed with butter and lard and kneaded into a complex spiral shape. A sign of opulence and decadence. 

£6 - Bread Batons - new bread for a new nation. Long, crusty loves produced using the latest star powered baking technology. Usable as a one-time weapon (d6). 

What smuggled good from the revolution is baked into your loaf?

1HP - A fragment of highly explosive sunstone (d10 blast).

2HP - A single-shot flintlock pistol (d6). 

3HP - A satchel of noxious yeast (anyone that breathes it in becomes violently ill for d6 hours).

4HP - A makeshift shiv (d6). 

5HP - A bottle of extremely potent roewine.

6HP - A large anti-royalist flag.

2 - Apprentice Solarmancer - Accepted into the prestigious Academy of Solar Arts to help guide Gualle into a star-powered golden age. You didn’t make it to graduation. 

You get: Sundial Scepter (d6), Sparkly robes 

What solar prototype you designed do you still have?

£1 - Luminary Replicator - A copper camera that remembers a single image of a person or item it has seen. A life-life three dimensional illusionary replication of the image can then be projected onto surfaces. 

£2 - Heliocopter (bulky) - A backpack sized engine attached to a propeller. Able to lift a single person off the ground in any direction. When used has a 1 in 6 chance of malfunctioning and propelling the user in a random direction at great speed. 

£3 - Sun Shades - A pair of thick goggles that when worn allows you to see any source of light within 20 meters even if the light source is through a wall and other solid objects.

£4 - Soliscope - a brass telescope that stores sunlight. When fully charged it can unleash a beam of radiant light, whoever it’s pointed at becomes blinded and impaired for d6 minutes. 

£5 - A glass flask of liquid light. A waxy lava-like substance that emits a dull light which slowly changes colour. Anyone that stares at the lamp for more than a minute becomes hypnotically docile.

£6 - Cosmicompass - a copper compass that always points towards the sun.

Why were you kicked out of the academy?

1HP - A failed experiment caused an explosive scene in the academy. Take a scorched bust of the Empress-in-Exile (bulky).

2HP - Wrote a cautionary paper on the dangers of solar radiation and mutation. You glow neon pink when in darkness. 

3HP - Caught pilfering in the academy’s supply room. Take a solar-powered stapler.

4HP - Found attending an underground lecture proposing the existence of a second sun. Take a broken steel orrery.

5HP - Discovered to be related to a prominent royalist. Take a defaced family portrait. 

6HP - Deemed too light sensitive to work on the finer solar arts. You are impaired when in direct sunlight without eye protection.

3 - Deep Star Diver - In the Midnight Ocean thousands of fallen stars shine deep below the water’s surface. It was your job to dive down and retrieve them.

You get: Harpoon (d6), a ragged wetsuit 

What was the most prized object you found underneath the ocean?

£1 - A pair of conch knuckle-dusters (both d6).

£2 - A singing pearl. A fist sized orb, when rubbed, emits an ethereal song - anyone who hears it must make a CHR save or be drawn towards the pearl. 

£3 - The Eel Crown. Wearing the crown turns you into a swarm of eels for d6 minutes. Whilst you are eels you can't interact with any items an eel could not use or hold.

£4 - A tame marble octopus (2hp, d6 stone-tentacles).

£5 - A crab-legged treasure chest that safely carries up to six objects and follows you everywhere. 

£6 - An intricate algae rope net that sticks to any wet surface. 

How were you changed by the stars below?

1HP - You hear the whispered secrets of fish.

2HP - You can regurgitate any liquid you swallow in a spray that can reach up to 10m. 

3HP - Your skin can harden into a crustacean-like shell (armour 1).

4HP - You have sprouted a gland that produces black ink whenever you are in danger. 

5HP - Your sweat is poisonous and causes d6 STR damage to anyone that tastes it.

6HP - Your hair has been replaced by thick spiky needles. 

4 - Dismissed Bureaucrat -  You studied the clandestine arts of bureaucracy, however a misplaced file has led to your early retirement.

You get: A poorly tailored suit, a departmental pocket-watch inscribed with your name incorrectly spelt

Which department did you work in?

£1 - The Imperial Department of Solar Research, Technology and Industry. You have a 50/50 chance of understanding exactly how any solar based technology works and was manufactured. Even when you’re wrong you believe you’re right. 

£2 - The Noir Cabinet. You have a connection in Gualle’s shadowy underworld that you may contact for information about illegal activities.

£3 - The Ministry of Finance Services & Serviceable Finances. You can find any lost file, paper or book in any room.

£4 - The Office of Mail, Telegraphy and Semaphores. Take a pair of signaling flags.

£5 - The Central Bureau of Equality, Egality & Fraternity. You have been awarded the right to commit one crime within the Gualle Republic without repercussions. 

£6 - The General Commission for the Gualle language and the languages of Gualle. You can use archaic grammatical and syntactical rules to expertly mock anyone’s speech or writing.

What did you daydream of during your life of endless administration?

1HP - Captaining a ship of maniking pirates on the hunt for a colossal storm squid. Take a tricorne hat and wooden cutlass (d6).

2HP - Discovering an ancient tomb filled with treasures from the Marble Empire. Take an unwieldy pickaxe (d8 bulky).

3HP - Performing in an outrageous neo-decadent play to a shocked public. Take a grotesque mask and leather whip (d6).

4HP - Finding romance in the spiced winds of the Lunar Archipelago. Take a crescent sword (d6).

5HP - Mastering the natural sciences and becoming a master botanist. Take a carnivorous orchid (4HP, bite d6).

6HP - Winning big at the Nova Azure Casino in Monte Vega. Take a deck of cards and a pair of loaded dice.

5 - Bitter Musketeer - A once great hero of the republic you have been forgotten by the changing face of the Gualle.

You get: Old military clothing, a feathered cap 

What weapon did you take with you when you left the military?

£1 - Cavalry Sword (d6+d8 when on horseback)

£2 - Long Musket (d10, bulky, takes a turn to reload)

£3 - Heavy Sabre (d8 bulky)

£4 - Spontoon Spear (d6+d8 against opponents larger than you)

£5 - Flintlock pistol (d6)

£6 - Pistol Sword (d6+d6, weapon breaks on a roll of two 1s) 

How did you gain your military renown?

1HP - Led a regiment of Boarpigs during the Revolutionary wars. Take a defective hand grenade. 

2HP - Survived the failed campaign for the frozen Undernorth. Take a bloodstained fur coat.

3HP - Helped liberate the capital from royalists during the siege of Lumnier. Take a worthless medal of valour.

4HP - Accepted into the Empress’ Personal Guards. Take a corroded copper mask. 

5HP - Part of the force that recaptured the Umbra Peninsular. Take an elderly pet lynx (2hp).

6HP - Fought in the baffling Battle of Verisimilitude. Take a broken mirror that doesn't show your reflection. 

6 - Experimental Perfumer  - You were at the cutting edge of smells until you created a scent too strange even for this new age.

You get: An incredible sense of smell, a fragrant sword (d6), a vial of perfume

What phenomenally rare ingredient does your perfume consist of?

£1 - The earthy musk gland of the Great White Truffalo. A strange fungal infection is growing on your torso. 

£2 - Oils made from the heliotropic living lavender stolen from the laboratories of the Natural Philosophers. Your fingers are permanently stained a pale purple colour. 

£3 - Carbonated ambergris procured from deep within the Midnight Ocean. At night you hear the haunted cry of the dreaded astral whale.

£4 - Phosphorus dust sifted from the craters of fallen stars. Your eyes are cloudy and twinkle like a thousand distant suns.

£5 - Lemons preserved in melted cloud water from the peaks of the Lupine Mountain. Severe frostbite has left one of your feet completely numb and blistered.

£6 - Bat guano collected from sacred caves near the Cochlea Abbey. Your teeth are all incredibly thin and sharp. 

What effect is caused by your perfume?

1HP - When smelling the perfume faces seen are indescribable and impossible to remember.

2HP - Animals that smell the perfume enter into a blind rage and attack anyone wearing it. 

3HP - The perfume smells exactly like whatever the smeller most desires. 

4HP - A corpse that smells the perfume whispers a single word to describe the last thing they smelt before death. 

5HP - Any sleeping or unconscious person that smells the perfume believes one false memory they are told is true. 

6HP - Anyone smelling your perfume has a 50/50 of always lying or always telling the truth. 

On Remixing the Minotaur & Monsters from the Marble Empire

As inspiration for the Celestial Coast, I’ve been rereading Jorge Luis Borges’ Book of Imaginary Beings - which in many ways feels like a precursor to the Monster Manual. The book is a compendium of fantastical monsters from history and literature written by Borges in his usual playfully poetic prose. Like anything by Borges, I can not recommend it enough and it definitely serves as a great resource for monster ideas if you’re looking for something pre-gygaxian.

However what inspired me on this reading was from the preface, in which Borges writes:

 “...a monster is no more than a combination of parts of real beings, and the possible permutations border on the infinite. In the centaur, the horse and man are blended;  in the Minotaur the bull and man (Dante imagined it as having the face of a man and the body of a bull); and in this way it seems we could evolve an endless variety of monsters.”

Which leads me to think specifically about the minotaur.

This is the saddest minotaur I could find. 

We all have a shared idea of what a minotaur looks like, a bipedal humanoid man with a bull’s head that exists to chase those lost in a labyrinth. That should feel scary, it should feel monstrous, but the image of the minotaur is so well known and explored that it's not. We understand the monster and so it is no longer unknown to us and we are not no longer scared. 

For me the idea of the minotaur should tap into that very primal human fear that we are not at the top of the food chain. There is always something bigger than us, something chasing us and when it catches us there is no escape. 

So how do we make the minotaur scary again? How do we make it monstrous? 

My idea is to steal from Dante and remix that minotaur. 

Cheer up buddy. It's time for a make-over.

A passionless human face contorted onto a bull’s body. Tight pale skin stretched against the muscular neck of the beast. Ivory white horns protruding from its forehead. Sweaty fur covering its giant torso. The slap of four prehensile feet echoing along the halls of the labyrinth. Always angry, always moving, always ready to hunt you down. 

There are an infinite number of animals that can be combined together to create new monsters. However there is also an infinite number of ways of combining those animals together.

So here are some classical Greek/Roman monsters that I’ve remixed in some way or another for eventual use in the Celestial Coast. For the setting the idea being is that the modern countries are built on the ruins of the Marble Empire, an unknown ancient civilization, so scattered throughout the coastline and mountains are ruins still containing treasures and of course monsters. I want the monsters to feel mythic but at the same time appear fresh and unknown. 

These should all be compatible with Electric Bastionland/Into The Odd/Cairn as that’s the system I’ll be using for the Celestial Coast. The formatting for the monsters is inspired by how Yochai Gal lays them out in Cairn because it rocks. 

The names are all a bit dumb at the moment, I was thinking of calling them stuff like “He who rages endlessly through architecture of loss to find you for his eternal hunt” but I didn’t, you can do that though if you want. 

1. The Reverse Minotaur - 12 HP, 1 Armor, 18 STR, 12 DEX, 8 WIL, Ivory Horns (both d10) ⬤ Colossal muscular bull with an emotionless human face and brutish prehensile feet. Stinks of musk and sweat. Grunts with a low roar.  ⬤ Prefers the hunt to the kill. Chases anyone running away from it or trying to retreat, even if it is currently engaged in combat.  ⬤ Critical Damage: The target is gored upon the Reverse Minotaur’s horns. A STR save is needed to remove them by hand.  

2. The Anti-Gorgon - 8 HP, 12 STR, 12 DEX, 16 WIL, Snake Bite (d8) ⬤ Bald humanoid with a giant unkempt beard of hissing snakes. Eyes made of glowing marble. Snake-like tail that rattles. ⬤ Moves slowly and methodically. Always searching for stone statues. ⬤ As an action it can stare at a statue, giving it life and turning it into flesh. Flesh Statue - 4 HP, 11 STR, Meaty Punch (d6). Flesh Statues follow any command given by the Anti-Gorgon for as long as they are visible.

3. The Cydra - 6HP, 9 STR, 16 DEX, 9 WIL, Tail Whip (each d6) ⬤ Giant snake head with d6 long tails. ⬤ The tails are constantly wriggling and squirming so it struggles to move in a straight line. ⬤ Whenever critical damage is dealt to the Cydra it has a 50/50 chance of ignoring the effects, sprouting a new tail and gaining 2d6 STR.

4. The Tocsin (4 HP, 8 STR, 12 DEX, 14 WIL, Beautiful Talons (d6) ⬤ Bird headed women with painfully bad singing voices.  ⬤ They usually travel in groups of 3 or 4 and migrating to safe or secure locations. ⬤ Anyone that hears the Tocsin’s awful song must make a WIL save or be filled with panic and an urge to run away from the singing.

5. The Panclops (10 HP, 15 STR, 11 DEX, 7 WIL, Eye Brawl (d8) ⬤ A giant humanoid covered in eyes. Its skin has eyes, its teeth has eyes, its eyes have eyes. ⬤ Can see from every direction. Sleeps with many eyes open. Always looking out for intruders. Love seeing new things with all those eyes. ⬤ If the Panclops’ entire body is completely blinded by bright light it is unable to see or act. 

6. Cerbepuss (4 HP, 7 STR, 18 DEX, 16 WIL, Hellclaw (d6) ⬤ A elegant and sleek black cat with three heads. Its eyes burn bright like an inferno. ⬤ Wherever it steps a small fire starts. ⬤ If you show the proper admiration and respect for the cat’s staggering, heavenly beauty it may consider showing you the way to the underworld.